It was hard so I refused to start. I found solace in the cliche “if it was easy, everyone would do it.” Until it felt like everyone was doing it and it seemed that I alone was incapable.
I chalked it up to lack of effort. Yeah, that had to be it, lack of effort on my behalf, that must have been it. At least so I told myself. If that were it, it would be a simple fix. More effort! And off I went to expend more effort, and quickly realized it was more than just effort. I didn’t know where to begin. How could I put in more effort if I didn’t even know where to put any.
Upon the realization that it would require more than just effort but also knowledge, knowledge of what exactly I wanted, the future seemed bleak. The first time I met her was on the brink of giving up, I would never find love. But then a woman walked into my life. A woman with these giant round brown eyes. Eyes that could see the world or anything for that matter for what it truly was, myself included.
Whereas I might have been a little past my prime, she saw me as someone who would be great again. Whereas I might have been a little socially awkward, she saw me as enchanting. Whereas I might not have known what I was doing, flirting wise, she saw me as charming.
We met in a coffee shop. Had she not commented on all of the “red squiggly lines” on my screen, we would have never spoken. I told her it was a “work in progress.” And she cracked a joke and let me know that she always edited as she went. In an attempt to jest I told her, “I guess we are opposites than”, but it came off more serious than I would have liked. It would only occur to me later on how spot on that was. She was calculated, planning and serious. I went with the flow.
We were polar opposites in the way we lived. Which took us both out of our comfort zones, in the best way possible. I had never dated before her, there had been a few other women but never a spark. Maybe it was that we were so different on the big things and similar on the little things that we worked.
She was the first person I ever truly loved and for that to be my first relationship, was nothing short of a miracle. To say I got lucky would be the understatement of the century.
The problems didn’t start until after we were married. We were as happy as any married couple could be. We had a few arguments here and there but nothing we couldn't work through. But something happened after the birth of our son. I can’t explain it and neither could any doctors. Not that we went to them at first but after a while it seemed necessary.
The first time she left it was for a day. She left without any contact, not even a phone call. The second time she left it was for two days, I even filed a missing persons report. Now that it's the seventh time all I can do is pray, pray that she comes back and says the same thing she always says, “I just had the craziest dream.”
She barely remembers what she did during these bizarre episodes. Most of the time it is exploring. Wondering the streets, getting caught up in the nearby city. She knows it's odd. She knows she's not herself on these adventures. And I truly believe she doesn't even want to take them.
Every time she comes back it takes a few days before she's truly herself again. And when she is she's wonderful. She’s everything I could have asked for. She's the person I fell in love with.
I know she is filled with remorse over these trips. She has told me. The first couple of times I freaked out on her. “How could you do this to me? I thought you were dead.” I told her. “I never want to hurt you. Make you worry. You are my person and I love you more than myself.” She told me. I made her promise she would never do it again. But that was not a promise she could keep.
Before leaving this last time I told her I would leave her and take our kid if she did it again. I hoped that would stop it. But it was an empty threat. One I could never keep. Part of me believes she knew that. The other part knows she just can't help it.
I know it's not rational, but sometimes I blame myself for these adventures. Before me she had to plan every step in her life. I taught her how to be spontaneous.
I guess I am lucky in a sense. The only problem in my life is that the love of my life goes missing about once a year. I know it seems crazy to say that I am lucky considering my next sentence. But you would never understand our love. No one can. She is truly my soulmate and no matter what the obstacle is I am ready for it.